last two days in bangkok .
been to 5 clubs .crazy bights and days .
all the jams and food and shopping .
its draining us!
lol~



not bad for first trip .
it gets better with the presence of lee!
more guy to play with~ oooooops .



paul went drunk last night .
lee said he almost finished half a bottle of black lable .
sick guy -.-
hollywood is the place man!
man girls .
for see not for touch~
haha .
the best is still mus!
provided not much people arouns~
THE FIRST NIGHT WAS HORRID~
too many people .
cant even move an inch~
but the crowd is good!
popular songs!
sorry sorry is asland wide here!
well , of course i dance to it!



gonna go praying later~
see u guys! update soon with pictures!
i miss my girl XD


first night .
first morning in bangkok .
hotel rating : 4 stars!
its good :) accessible , very clean , kinda like service apartment :)
panty and small balcony just great for smokin!
how i wish the rest of the resngers were present!
when there's first , there'll always be nest time okay!!!



after landing .
we headed straight to check in .
then go for dinner :)
4 people , 7 dishes , crab , shark fin prawns fish . each person round 30 .
eat til cant walk !! hehe .


then went to bar area .
cool .
we choose private one!
small one . just nice for us :)
only us were there .
there's a pool table and dart board :)
drank a beer . round 4 plus i think .
not bad! perfect for chilling :)


poor tam was having time of her month
muahahahahahahahah!


lee is 1 hours drive away .
he'll be joining us most prob weekend . all the way til we go back! cool ehh :)
time for the triples to reunite!!!


kinda warm in the noon time .
but the air con in the room is power!
heavy duty, exactly the same as the one in paul's room :)


brought only 1 sleeping short and jean .
gonna shop for clothes later!
muahahahahah .
keep u guys updated!
u guys take care :)


'God determines who walks into your life.It is up to you to decidewho you let walk away,who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.'


this is forwarded from tammy's mail .
inspirational talk!
kao -.-
like few weeks back i think .
haha!


going to bishan soon to meet tam .
drunkards~
wadever~ its kind , you know . . .
7th month , then bishan . haha . thanks to me~
bring more talisman lor~


will be heading to bangkok tmr~
u guys have fun losers!!!!



omg .
its nothing more satisfying than seeing alex and paul coming back together .
walkin in front of me .
talking bout their gay stuff!
haha .


you guys dick are like cable .
mine, jumbo bratwurst~


seeing kang shun makes me worried .
s gay with MJ lah!!
fuck~
its so cooling at sembawang .
maybe cause end of year??
haha .



havent been meeting my girl for quite sometime .
zz . but no worries . nothing else in this world will come over at us anymore okay :)
tam me paul and lee in school .
wee shun vincent alex and steven will be out of school :)
many more .
but their under them :)


well , its life :)
soe is still soe ~


went to take a look at caiwei's blog .
suddenly closed -.-
i was like~
it has hundred up to thousands of readers per day de lei~
may be after that she'll be free to go out with me!
haha~
poor her . must be something happened . she mentioned too tired -.-
how tired can she be , always L4D , eat good food , no curfew~
zz .
sometimes girls are better . see tammy and my girl .
got the boy can liao .
then they can just seat there when eating prawns .
called : DEAR!!! .
then the guys went , yeshh????
hahaha XD



cant really sleep past few days .
soccer match last night ends with 1 draw and 2 lose .
fuck!
lose to the best team by 1 goal is okay .
but lose to china team by 1 that only know how to rembat is NOT okay!
almost fight .
cb , teammate went to separate . i was like staring and walking towards him liao .
the china fuck run far far, then team mate pull me~ lol .
imagine if we fight!
all these years de frustration can be cent on that china face .
then at least i can feel happier when i got red card!
haha .
soccer touches still there! wohooo~



today another match .
after UT at 4.30
no more strong teams bah~
time to win win win ^
lol , alex nv go school ytd .
me and paul crash his room as usual .
wee and shun not free thats why more peaceful~ lol !!!
no more strong teams bah~
time to win win win ^^
started on the game granturismo .
wondering whether should buy ps3 or not lei~
granturismo 5 looks doped lah!!!
fuckkkkk . now u know who still dont have license to drive .
hor alex and paul! haha .








grandma came back to look for us last night .
she was drinking in the living room .
then place the cup on my basin .
mum heard those .
i was sleeping soundly .
but not that comfortably .
my cousin got the power one!
grandma told him in his dream .
she left the jade bangle for him .
the jade bangle is in my place .
lol!
uncle heard knockings in julius's room .
then grandma always wear the hotel slippers mah .
he heard the footsteps .
still better than indo house bah .
grandma throw my youngest uncle out of the bed .
he slept in the nurse's mattress . retarded .
grandma emphasize so so much on personal hygiene !
well . 49 days left .
we welcome her back .
but not that 'heavy'
softly will do :)



went over to pray at sembawang last nigt .
we're always hanging out there mah .
then you guys make much noise -.-
so its better to pray .
no harm also mah .
my girl went to my house to help out my mum .
good start :)
its sooner or later mah .
why not make it sooner right wee??!
haha .



there was a gathering at my place .
a friday :) day before mum came back~
haha! not bad .
paul does make a good cook! i wont lose out either! right mar!
i seriously dont understand . the macaroni was not nice lor -.-
then all of u ate it like rice like tat .
texture is good .
its the taste .
we shuldn't have added water and corn starch .
there will be next time!
hehe .




going over to thailand on thurs .
its a start of the holiday!
work then fun !!
i'm so gonne anticipate my new hairstyle .
scared lei!
scared it turned out to be a fluke 0.O"



dear tammy :
someone said these to you :)

After I have said all these, I hope those words or rather facts were enough to convince you that 'that's really nothing I could do now'

Anyway, thanks for listening to my story or rather a story of a Dog n a Cat.. A story always has its ending.. A Start will always comes with an End.. Whether there will be another book or another chapter.. Leave everything to Fate.. Time..


p.s
everyone has a new chapter now :)


said the unsaid .
done the undone .
honored the respect .
abide the rules and regulations .


whats left is over .
never meant to go into battlefield .
alex asked .
move one , to where?
to another stall that sells sampoerna if this stall doesn't .
paul said .
it will always comes back round isn't it?
thats when we move on bro :)


friends?
don't make me laugh .




dear power rangers .
friday~
cook dinner at my place .
ton over .
hehehe
everyone bring something ( food )



code yellow~


tuesday was the last day of schooling term .
excluding exams .
3 more exams days .
1 week spread apart .
kinda nervous bout it .
prepared?
not that well though .
be it ^^ i have my way ~


went out with xin to get my mum's medicine at chinatown .
that guy is a super player .
chiong all the way man!
19 year old brat that drives BM Z4 , crazy?
YEA , LIFE'S NEVER FAIR .
haha!
then went over to meet alex at beauty world , bukit batok there .
played some billiard .
learned new game .
not bad .



then rushed over to meet wee and shun at sem .
chit chat tok cock a while .
alex gotta rush off soon .
he meeting his friend for a stay over ~
wanted to go to .
promised cousin to be back .
so got home round 10 thirty to eleven .
then eat dinner .
have not been shooting hoops .
so many birthday coming .
which one to go??? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm . .



mum's coming back sat noon i suppose .
still got few more days to play ^^
hehe~
friday night should be a wild one .
thailand coming soon .
cousin just went back from there .
juacky is coming too .
we've got 'guide'
lalalala . gonna play my heart out!



wee and shun at my place now .
waiting for alex and paul to come over .
calling steven along as well~
wohoooooooooooooooo~
mar too engrossed with studies .
u need luck man , cmon . u dont have to be hardworking ( in your face ) _|_
study is constant , last minute can do much meh??
excuses .
last minute study are for losers~ hehe .
when losers try to study together , they become bunch of losers~
oooooops~
i dont study!! flash memory~



note :
7th lunar month coming .
dont go out too late guys :)
don speak the not supposed and do the restricted !!!



















jakarta is seriously a beautiful place .
its the humanitarian there .
its not as bad as you think it is .
robbery thiefs are small matters .
they dont really hurt people .
if we compromise with them , nothing can go wrong at anytime of the day :)



i grew up there .
many fond memories were left there .
many friends . many family . many places that left their footsteps in my heart .
i travel day and night with my family looking for fun food and laughters .
used to go out with uncles and aunties when small .
when they were still holding my hand whenever we went out gai gai .
grandma too .
we do have frequent picnic , they she will prepare the food for us :)



as we age .
we spent lesser time together with the elders .
we 'grow wings' haha .
drive out middle of the night searching for fun places and food with loud music in the car .
trying to cut each other's lane for the sake of speeding .
the challenges gets harder .
elder cousin start to have family le .
i dont take it as hindrance at all .
more over we are close with our da sao :)
she's a nice and hardworking lady!



since small the 7 of us never fail to meet during weekends .
we always go out together to malls, plaza all those .
movies were not that popular to us during my time .
i only watched 2 movies .
Jurassic park and space jam i remembered .
after school is always freedom time .
off around 12 , mum, uncle grandma sometime was already waiting outside .
or i can wait for them for 2 hours when they're busy .
but its fun . whenever hungry , canteen will serve food , sometime mum pay the following day
or friend's mum will buy me meals :)
its just the trust .
we indonesians can eat today and pay few days after .
its the TRUST that we build over the years .
even if one doesn'y pay when he's too poor .
vendor wont go around gossiping and do all the 'loan shark' nasty stuff
the food went for good purpose , to feed the hungry ones .



rich people and poor people dont mix together?
not at all . my uncle drive mercs to wet market that see couple of cents per bundle of vege .
eat beside roadside stalls and wear plain white shirt with ah pek shorts .
i prefer roadside stalls , indonesians are so good of making use of spices to cook .
its not dpdp . its just some stupid and lowly assumptions that people made about each other .
but when they tried it themselves . then they know the real stuff .
singapore people can withstand spices? pls come jakarta :)
they eat fried finger food with 3 green chili padi without drinking most of the time .



why do some say i'm different?
cause i'm carrying indo passport with chinese blood .
i am proud to be born into this family .
to be able to think for the others is more noble than being able to feed yourself .
grandma taught us to be helpful and not to eat too much sweet stuff .
her good will , will be alive as long as i am .
and it will be taught without a word less to my decendants .






























grandma resting at her new home :)
























surrounded by mountain .
river flows below throughout the year .
























flower wreaths .
hundreds of them .











































grandma was there throughout the rituals .
3 days 2 nights .
complete rituals .
only the best Taoist nun dare to volunteer themselves in .
total of 10 of them .




its been a crazy for the past few days .
slept less than 5 hours a day.
so many prayers to do adn so many guests to serve .
its was catered for hundred people .
but the guests wont stop coming .
especially on the last day .
they can come as early as 10 in the morning .
and go home around 2 in the wee hours .



grandma finally rest .
what i heard from her nurse is that .
she passed away after coughing twice ,.
very softly . consider sleep away? definately .
grandma somehow know her days are numbered .
she ate almost everything tjhat was prepared for her .
she sometime asked for more .
her diet is strict , she doesn;t want to take in sweet stuffs . neither fried .
but past few months , she doesn't hesitate .
she request also that if something were to go wrong , dont need to imply further implications .
no need ER, no need operation , just resting adn medication will do .
uncles understood her meaning . we respected her .
uncle was companying her til 12 plus then he was asked to go back .
never did we know that she will left us 5 hours later .



it was sad that no one were able to 'send' her off .
but seeing her lying at her final bed is like usual sleeping .
but with no snoring .
she has a smiling face , but somehow lifeless and darker .
mum cried too many times . but she was able to hold it back after the 2nd day .
i never sleep the first night .
so afraid of her coming back to scold me .
she used to reprimand me everytime i drink soft drinks .
she will also reprimand me when i come home to late .
the last time she scolded me was earlier this year . i was watching socer with my cousin .
then she woke up to use the bathroom . ' do u know what time is this?'
we cant do much . we off for a while , wait for her to go back to the room then go back watching~
idiots right? to think about it now? no one will ever care the way she did .



the journey to her resting place takes around 1half hour .
there were 3 presidential police to escort us there .
totalling round 15 cars including buses
some 70 over sent her off together .
grandfather is going to be placed besides her as well .
the place is beautiful . with the view of mountains surrounding
there's few rivers that flows day and night throughout the years without stop .
she will like it there with her VIP neighbours .
the sky is windy , neither a sight of dark clouds nor strong rays of sun .




no more buying supper for her .
no more visiting her once i landed in jakarta .
no more scoldings even if i dont go home .
no more more everyone rushed just to ger something that she wants .
god , she's really a nice person .
uncle told me , no matter how late of sick of her .
dining table never failed to hold some dishes and rice .
in her mind , everyone that is hungry can eat anytime they want .
no one can touch ehr children or grandchildren .
she's very fierce when it comes to her family .
she can hit on other children but other parents cant hit on us . cool shit .
the least we can do now is to do what ever she used to tell us .
i am proud to be in this family .
seriousy proud .
i have all kinds of uncle that excel in all kind of fields .
a strict yet noble family rule to follow .



coming back tmr noon ,
1 thirty flight .
reaching 3 thirty . with my brother only .
mum's stil not stable .
she wil want to retrieve all the left over memories in the house .
tests are coming . i hate to say life goes on .
put it this way . u lost something huge on your way , but the train dont wait for u .
49 days without red shirt .
grandma rest in peace :)


she held my hand to school .
she waited outside the gate when i'm off .
she disallow me to seat nearer to the door of the car .
she disallow me to drink soft drink .
she always make sure that i ate my meals everyday .
she will not fail to scold me when i snack on junks .
she always smile when i did well for my exams .
she will buy me sweets when she won gambling .
she's the first person to be greeted during new year .
she will distribute hongbao's to everyone .
she has 8 golden hearts for 8 grandchildren .
she dislike pets but feed them secretly .
she's the rule that we never fail to follow .
she's will call us when we're out to make sure we eat dinner .
she do not allow us to reach home more than eleven . even for my uncle .
she has dimples , deep ones . that let us know we've done well .
she has overwhelming motivation for everyone of us .
she dont practice biased .
she scold everyone off all ages in the family .
she raised my mum and uncle after my grandfather .
she's my beginning and me for today .
although not my everything , the family is taking it deeply .



dear grandma .
may you rest in peace .
i loved u, we loved you .
your warmth are gone . you live else where .
everlasting in my mind that you'll be the one reprimanding me when i did something wrong .
u are the respect and you are the shelter .



how come i dont tears?
may be later .
if i dont be strong? who else be strong .
let me be the one to help you to push them up .
jian qiang is the word on my chest that i'll wear for these few days .
life goes on .
conscience still around .
soe's absent for a moment . will let u guys know when i'm back :)



happy anniversary babe ^^
its been a great fun and happy 2half years .
went to watch community shield .
manU and chelsea .
cool shit!
dear david and tammy .
in your face losers!!!
i got twenty bucks .
haha!



all were present except lee and vincent -.-
but cant blame those two lah .
one live another place on the globe .
then the other living in hidden cave .
get to see secondary peeps .
finally , got to see steven also .
they came in packs .
those mix nationalities~



st finishing her prelims .
mar and vincent bdae next .
18 and twenty something respectively .
code power rangers for those .
oh ya . .
most of you should've gotten the wierd code colours .

simple .
3 main ones .
green : anyone free pls come
yellow : advised to come if free ( unless u are as tired as marilyn )
red : group outing , dont ps , timing no good can negotiate . exempted are only people living outside singapore shores, working or sick

lastly : code power ranger .
everyone must attend ( eg, birthdays or accident , choooooyyyyy~)
no exemptions , wheel chair then the rest will take turn to push~
funny right? _|_



cause i din't know what to name in my phone the groups .
remembering the stage jacket that shun have .
just take power ranger lo .
easy?



see u soon guys ^^



its a usual sunday morning .
with a bunch o army guys .
i see them grow ,
they see me grow .
from a fatty to 'ah beng' ( gold hair) then back to fatty again .
i was with turtle last night
a bunch of them .
i just cant stand being too tired .
so i have to let go of the ticket despite having bought them already .
thank you guys for being understanding .
this is what i like about them .


to think about it .
turtle has been with me for around 10 years?
we meet less than twice a month .
some time twice a year .
there's something i dont fancy about him , and there much more he doesn't like bout me .
smoking for example?
but the invisible yet long distance bond has been created through time .
i do quarrel with him .
over him being late or some other things .
everything stays .



what am i trying to say ?
quarrels and bickers and are parts and parcel of life .
who's a man man island .
i'd like to learn so much from you .
being able to think ahead of others certainly gain privileges .
some fancy you whereas some despise you .
well, there's a split road .
many told you to go to the right as they've walked through that directions , you choose the left .
is that being clever, being heroic or being outstanding?



history is not there just for us to show .
its for us to learn . and not to repeat the mistake .
everything happens for a reason , agree strongly on that .
everyone choose the right path for a reason .
if one choose left .
to err is human .
to forgive is divine .



human solidarity animal?
think about it :)





random me~ cranky in a saturday morning~
nuclear energy .
pros or cons?


it emits less toxic air
but produces nuclear waste that is as much dangerous as the rest.
i was reading time just now, then i came across nuclear reactor.
i was watching gi-joe as well.
this trigger me to do some read up for it .
http://science.howstuffworks.com/nuclear-power5.htm
quite a reliable website .
if science can advance so much and bring better life to people .
then i would give all my support .
there is always give and take .
what can we do? quite simple actually, lookout for the best solutions by choosing the method that promises least impacts on our lives . as practical as before ^^


how bout radiation?
it is the thing that will turn someone into hulk .
or cause less or deformed limbs in your offspring .
do not challenge the act of god .
splitting atom to produce energy is noble .
may be scientist should pray before each day of work .
after all, science should work hand in hand with religion ^^
no harm right?


dear wee~
this is something to think about .
everyday u think about better
i think about getting better
everyone think about getting better .
how i did it?
how did i do it?
why can i do it?
may be i finally found my answer .
someone used to tell us .
every morning u wake up you ask yourself:
what do you want to accomplish today
every night you sleep also thinking about:
what have you accomplished today
sis, have u thought about it?
the key is determination and perseverance with bright thoughts .

as for me .
i live up to today, thinking about tmr!!!
serious . now then i thought of it .
i kept asking myself for your sake .
u wanna be able to try to play my game
but why u ended up in wrong path
the answer for me is this! live for tmr
create your tmr! make your own tmr!
a happy one os a sad one is in one's hand .
be yesterday's seed or last year's seed .
what have been done will be reap later or even after one die!



i got to this state thanking to my family's strict regulations .
so what if i cant stay out late?
so what if i cant play that?
so what if i can do this and that?
then my reply is, i can do this and no one else can~
why compete with the others?
why not u ask, how are the others gonna compete with you?
can u dance like lee?
can u wake board like paul?
can you drive like jacky?
as hairy as alex?
can you sing like V?
can you zi lian like ys?
are you as clever as bo bo or ling?

then ask them back?
can they be as wonderful as you?
who can sing high pitch?
who can have waist of 25?
who can touch your nose with your tongue? (yucks)
dear wee, the only one to compete is we ourselves .
same for all of you out there reading!
agree shun??

you've a complete family
you've supportive parents
you've a great boyfriend
you've us!
not enough of us . i am always on the lookout
i need you , we need you!
leave all your imaginations aside and push our backs okay ^^





this is the thoughts from vincent and wee
i'm gonna be their voice .
u know who you're :)


ru guo ni ye ting shuo . wo men zai xiang nian ni
ni ke yi ting hai de shen ying lai jie jing wo men de ju li
shi nian zi qian wo men hai shi pu tong peng you
dan qing ai de zhe bu shi ai qing
wo men jiu xiang ni de xiong mei
wo men dou bu yao shuo hua , yi qie an jing le
ru guo yuan liang wo tai xin ku
jiu rang teng ai lai qu dai shuo hao de xing fu
ruo you shi guang ji de hua , dao dai shi ke neng de
kan zhe qing tian , shou shang you yi duo qi li xiang
rang wo men zhi dao zhi shao hai you ni
ru guo ni zao dao ling yi ge tian tang
yuan ni bi cong qian kuai le
rang chen quan zhuo wo men de zhu fu :)





















so many to say .
too many to think .
its been a great week :)


met some new peeps for ktv session .
of course with ktv got mr V ^^
haha!
not bad .
but not satisfied enough~
2third will never be completed without the other 1third .



headed to woods to meed the gang .
paul was A BIT late .
when he came in . movie almost ended~ haha
alex working -.-
brand with gf
st studying
lee went back
tam in fairy land .
si tong unknown
steven lost -.-




gi.joe .
rated 4 out of 5 .
sci fi totally live up its name .
worth catching ~
the people is priceless of course ^^
9 of us . cool .




to think about it .
much more joined us
right wee?
jan, tam, jacky, mj, sitong, zi yan and shun of course ^^
although not as close as old ones , its something to be developed over a period of time of course
dont worry lee , i know what you're thinking ^^


gonna company wee tmr bah .
hopefully mar will come
then meet tam .
of course meeting my wife at night~
gonna company her to study~


i am more and more engrossed each day with
ravages of the time and one piece manga .
its was magnificent and very well-done .
i am so thankful they found themselves to my life!!!
wahahahahahahhaha . cheeeeeeeeeeeeh~


i miss secondary life .
in poly, the way of studying is so much different .
especially mine , everyone is wearing masks .
whats the point?



I'M GONNA SING LATER!!
vincent~
2 more friends bah ^^
then movie with my friends?
then study with my girl~
its friday night people~
get alife!
hoho~



is it that when the cup is full then it cannot contain anymore water??
is it possible for a mighty cup to contain all the water that was poured in??
nah . .
be practical guys .
no matter how kind the guy is, there are limits .



lee would ask , how much more and wad more you can do??
true enough .
making yourself tired is worst than being happy in life .
even jesus only help his followers .
u think he will help other religions who doesn't even care bout it?
a man can make a difference .
how big difference?



dear wee .
we're born unique in this world .
who's more handsome than me when dropping hair?
who's fat but handsome ?
only me ar~
whose flat and pretty?
who's flat and have beautiful voice? for being noisy? you ar!!!



there's no point comparing with one another .
u want compare til where??
compare with billgate or compare with rihanna or god?
just be yourself lah .
the only one i compare is only with myself . its more than enough .




this is for everyone .
you're on the cliff .
i will give u my hands .
either u grab it or let go .
no one's plunging together with you .
fair?























3 type of people .
one who make it happen
one who saw it happened
one who say : what happened?


choose it man . .
for me .
what happen? see then be the one who make it happen . .
one cant straight jump to make it happen .
no one is born prefecto .
everyone has same number of limbs ( mostly lah~) mar have eleven fingers~ loL!


now then i ponder .
the other time why wee so scared to intro his bf to us -.-
my god . .
i do expect lots from my friends .
because they're my friend thats why they're on top of the rest!
shun told me he like us .
i was like wondering why??
he sae no conflict -.-
duo duo shao shao hui you de lah .
but our conflict is not those dumb conflicts .
its those that ought to have . .
conflicts improves people .
by not making conflicts, people get better each time!
if not , the world will be boring, price will all be that same as daiso .
then anyone will be driving the same cars! get my meaning?



so what if you have 1 million? when u cant help the poor
s what if you're taller than the rest? when u cant help the rest to take things from high shelves?
so what if you're smarter? if you cant help others to get smarter?
so what if you can speak? when u cant resolve feuds?
you're as lowly as rubbish if u cant make us of yourself .
if you're selfish, then why not live in island? no one will share with u le mah?
but, if you were helped by others, learn to appreciate and be thankful .
my family is not born rich?
i ate 1 sweet for lunch before?
i took rice with sweet soy sauce as though they were friend rice before .
i slept on the floor before .
but i never begged before , people will give if they want . this is what i learnt


my sons will receive exactly the same treatment as my family gave me .
my wife will never waste food . and shall do cooking herself .
somethings i will not do .
never spit at anyone
never point kick at anyone
never sae those not meant to be said .
anyone refers to human . those nevers will be heavily implied on DOGS .
dont make me classify anyone as dogs .
hopefully they dont meet me . then they should be grateful to heaven .



pragmatic is what i am .
partial is inequality .
inequality to me is balance .
miss A de boobs not as big as miss X mah .
they dont wear the same cup .
if equal then they must buy same cups liao mah .
cant be right!!!



note :

i am hoping that mr P will be ms M de bf :)
ms M can think whats good for herself and will voice out :)
mrP will always be nice to her and support her in anyway he could :)
agree guys?
of course .
love cant be forced . by hook or crook .
let me be the fat cupid to fire the arrow up you guys ass!!!
muahahahahahahahahahaha . .


note2 :

dear mr A
how long u intend to play MIA .
either u look for me or i look for u~



note3 :

grudges and vengeance are only for the wimps .
they'll bore only more hatreds .
forgive and forget (when one should)




note4 :
i love u dear ^^
lee is the last friend that i want to lose .